I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
