By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
