that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
