The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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