when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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