Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
