sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm just crazy horny about you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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