I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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