Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
