Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
