I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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