I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
