I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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