we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
