I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
