i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There are leaves in my underwear?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
