I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
