my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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