so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
