Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
