I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
