The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My cat gives me a boner
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
