My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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