She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
