Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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