That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
