And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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