I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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