i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
