Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
