How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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