Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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