ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
