i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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