So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
