I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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