so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
