last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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