I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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