I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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