I wish I could teleport
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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