dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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