Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Define "chronic" masturbator.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I checked into jail on foursquare
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
