omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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