Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
