WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
