I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
