you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
