I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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