omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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