my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
