Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
