I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
