you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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